Letter # 1

There is a big reason why I do not write blog entries about you, or anything for you. It's not that I am not inspired, actually I am inspired, but I just never got the desire to write.

You see, every emotion, feelings and experiences I had over the past two years never got the chance to be put into writing. They were all happy, lovely, and wonderful. I had lots of memories that I never documented in paper, all because they are too good to be written on a blog site that I rarely visit anymore.

You are the reason why I don't write anything about you. Simply because you became my living diary, where I put all my good memories and feelings. I usually write because I felt something and I had no one to share it with. Most of the time, I put entries that are filled with sadness, anxiety and anger. But now that I rarely feel any of these, I never wrote again.

The truth is I wrote for you. I wrote you letters of thanksgiving, of love and joy. On cheap stationery, I write with excitement and joy that when you finally read what I have to say, I will see a smile on your face. Writing you letters is just one of the reason that you can say I am "romantic".

I hated it that you still felt bad and sad despite all my promises and all the logical reasons why you should not feel threatened.

Still, I love you.

"The Happy 10th (year)! text message"

"Happy 10th!"

This was the text I received from you this early morning. I was shocked, surprised and confused after reading this in the middle of the night. You see, we haven't talked to each other for a long time. I already changed numbers, and you seemed to have found a way to reconnect. As far as I can remember, we agreed that communication between us should be secured, otherwise, I will again receive threats and messages from your party. I do not want to have another non-sense, useless argument with an individual who will never understand.

I thought you simply just sent a very exciting and happy message to the wrong person. Half-awake, I checked the time and date. 12:01 AM July 25, 2013. Oh yes! The 25th of July. How could I forget. Well, I should forget or should I say, WE should.

It's been more than two years ago when we bid each other good bye, for good. But we still remained as good friends as we can be, minus the frequents texts, calls and meet-ups. We haven't talked for a long time, not because we hated each other, on the contrary we REALLY love to talk to each other. We never ran out of things to talk about and we really enjoy each other's company. But why can't we talk like the good old says? Well, we just don't want other people to get hurt, and we are dead tired of explaining to other people - to our respective partners to be exact.

It has been ten years when we became very close to each other. Three years prior to year 2003, we became friends. You became my Kuya Ian, and I, your little Agnes. I was 16, you were 19. Fresh from high school, you guided me as I entered University. You became my mentor for my years of stay in the University. You were a constant companion, best friend, lover, partner and a patient listener to my endless stories. You helped me explore the realms of life. Though I must admit, this relationship of ours became my secured ground, that I was shut down from the social life that I should have had as a college student. I learned a lot and I can say this proudly that I am who I am right now because you made me.

A month from now is our supposed "marriage". We thought that 10 years as a couple is a good foundation for starting married life. However, destiny, if you may call it, played on us and decided that we will never make it. Two years short from our wedding plans.

The courses of our lives took their own turns somewhere, and it is never going to happen. It will, maybe, in the darkest of the night in our own secret dreams.

Well, how did those plans get out of hand anyway? First, we stopped believing in the concept of marriage and weddings. We became far from our dreams, we indulged ourselves the reality of life, the philosophies that guide it and we realized that there is more to life than just being in love. Lastly, we fell in love with another person.

I silently blushed when I recalled those days, I had good memories and I learned a lot.

How could I forget this day? I did not forget, I just had too much to think about and there is no one to remind me about this day, but you. For friendship's sake, I will never forget the memories, they are totally embedded somewhere in my memory. I never erased them but, new beautiful memories just keep on coming and bury the old ones deeper.

Happy ten years of friendship and love!  I am hoping to have more, because you are just too good a person to be forgotten. But this is as far as we can get, until you partner finally decides to accept the truth that we are good friends, and that I am no longer a threat to your happy ending.

Though I already have my own happy ending, I still have to erase your message as soon as possible after replying, and I know you have to erase my response as well. We do not want other people get hurt, much more, our own lovers.

I am happy because you made an effort an effort to send me a message, and I am, without hesitation, proud to send you back  - The "Happy 10th!" text message.

15 years after my Mother's heart surgery

January 16, 1998. My mother had her quadruple coronary artery bypass graft surgery, wherein a vein was removed from her leg and then grafted to her heart to bypass the clogged coronary arteries. The doctors told her that the operation was good for only ten years, and she has to undergo another surgery again. But God has been faithful to us, as always.

my mother has been in and out of the hospital for the past five years, and there were times when she was confined twice a year due to heart attacks. The last time she was confined to the hospital, she suffered a major heart attack which led to a complication called pulmonary edema, where due toM the inability of her heart to pump blood well, fluid accumulated in her lungs. While in the ER, she suddenly had difficulty of breathing. I held her hand  and watched the cardiac monitor as the vital signs go below normal. She turned blue and fainted. I hear the rushing sounds of the monitor and the nurses as they run to my mother's side and wheel her to the blue code area. I knew what was coming and i no longer need an explanation for the procedures needed to be done to her so i just gestured to the medical team to go on. 

I was already in tears when i saw the doctor insert a tube in her mouth. He couldn't  insert the tube because her trachea was bleeding. I then prayed to God and asked Him to help my mother survive. But halfway in my prayer, something dawned on me. i remembered how much my mother has been through, her daily complaints of pain, and struggle to stay alive. So instead of bargaining with God, i surrendered my mother. i told Him that whatever His will is, let it be. I was ready for whatever answer He might give. 

I dialled my sister's number and told her what was happening, and she was stunned as i was. I called my dad and told him to come back to the hospital immediately. 

The fast buzzing sound from the monitor slowed down, and I saw from the monitor that her oxygen status has improved greatly, her vital signs have also improved. the tube was already inserted in her mouth after the third try. She was on mechanical ventilation and had many tubes attached to her. She survived but needed strict monitor for the next 24 hours. Though I was completely exhausted  - emotionally, physically and spiritually, i wanted to stay beside her but with all the machines around her, i was asked to stay outside instead and wait for developments. I spent the night outside, praying until I fell asleep. The following day when i checked on her, her condition improved and machines were removed one by one. She was already talking by noontime and was moved to a different area with less monitoring and it was only less than 24 hours! She had to stay in the hospital for almost ten days to ensure that she is in good condition already. Aside from worrying about her condition, we were also worried about the bills at the time which was enough already to buy a car. But we stood on God's promises and He fulfilled them.

That was October 2011. She was not confined more than 24 hours in the hospital since then. 

Though she has had attacks and complaints of chest pain or irregular heart rhythms, they were all relieved and treated by medications or rest -at home. 

I still cry whenever i remember that night when i thought God would already take her away from us. But i always thank Him because He never left us when we needed help. He has kept my mother safe in every operation, every childbirth, every illness. He abundantly provided for my mother's hospital expenses ever since through my mother's friends, colleagues and other people who have shared their blessings when my mother needed it. And we those people whom God has sent to get us through those tough times.

Today, we are celebrating the 15th year after her successful operation. And we are praying for another 15 years or so. 

Sent from my iPad